My Soft Rebellion

Episode Transcript:

Today, I want to talk about the very complicated grief that I have with the fact that I have spent my entire life not recognizing my power.

And this is not something that is inherent to me. This is passed down, because both my mom and my dad have done incredible things in their life, and I don’t think that they’re able to recognize how incredible they are, which is why I was never passed down the trait of recognizing how incredible I am.

Also, because they never praised themselves, they often did not praise me very often either.

So it resulted in this basic feedback loop of just trying and trying and trying, not getting any type of recognition for it. Trying more, trying more, but still not feeling good enough, or proud, or happy with any of the efforts that I make, because at no point along the way am I congratulating myself or telling myself, “Hey, you’re doing a good job,” or, “What you’re doing so far is pretty incredible.”

Basically, I have been doing so much my entire life. I look back on the things that I’ve done in my life, and I’ve always just been like, “It’s no big deal.”

When I was in eighth grade, I wrote an entire Wattpad story. It was a little wack, but I still wrote an entire story. It was huge. I actually never finished it, but I got so many reads on Wattpad, and this was in, I don’t even know, 2012? 2011?

So I was an OG Wattpad writer, and I’m like, that’s kind of cool. It’s kind of impressive. The fact that I was out here writing full-fledged, intense stories in the corner of my bedroom while my very religious parents were beneath me, and I was straight up writing smut. But I feel like that’s a pretty common occurrence.

Basically, moving along.

There are so many other things that I’ve done in my life. I went and got a data science certification right after I moved out. There was this program that was offering it, and I was like, “Oh my God, bet. I’m going to apply.” I applied, interviewed, did a whole thing.

And I was so exhausted after I moved out. I was so unwell, but I was still out here trying to complete a data science certification.

And the thing is, this doesn’t just apply to the efforts that I put into my life to better my skills or my talents or whatever. This also applies to my beauty.

There are so many times in my life where I have been so in shape and just looked so good, and I didn’t recognize it.

I distinctly remember, at the time, seeing myself, even though I looked amazing, thinking, “I don’t look good. I just need to lose a couple of pounds or do my makeup better, and then I’ll be able to look like that person that I really, really want to look like.”

And then fast forward two or three years, I’m looking at photos of myself and I’m like, “Wow, I was literally a princess. I looked exactly how I want to look right now.”

Which is so fucked up, because at the time, I couldn’t even appreciate it.

What also has occurred is that when you don’t recognize your beauty, your power, how talented you are, how you’re able to get things done, and this whole plethora of stuff that you’ve conquered in your life, you just don’t recognize what you’re capable of.

And for a lot of people, especially people who follow my Instagram, you guys have probably done so much in your lifetime. Between just surviving insane situations, getting through life, getting your career in order, extracurriculars — I just feel like people are really well-rounded people despite how messed up their lives are.

That in itself is pretty incredible.

But you just don’t recognize what you’re capable of. You keep doing things and doing things. You don’t see all of the potential that’s buried underneath. It always just kind of feels like, “I’m just staying afloat.”

But really, in reality, what I’m doing is building a whole foundation for a life.

But I never really see that potential, and I end up dismissing my projects.

For example, I had an Instagram account back during COVID, and that was a whole poetry account. It was actually gaining traction, and right around the time I was gaining traction, I basically deleted the whole thing because I was like, “You know what? This is really stupid and I need to focus on getting a real job.”

And the thing is, yeah, I was right in some way. I did need to focus on getting a salary so that I could quickly move out as much as I really needed to.

But I also could have focused on my Instagram. There was potential there, and I just kind of gave up because I was like, “There’s just no way. There’s no way that this could ever happen for me.”

But I look back, especially when I look back at what I was writing, and I’m like, “My goodness, this was so good. I was incredible. I’m so talented. What in the world? Why haven’t I published any of this?”

I’m working on a book right now.

But basically, I have not allowed myself to blossom because every single time I’m at the brink of change, I feel like I’m not doing something right.

Then I just tear myself back down.

Because of this process of not recognizing myself, I’ve just been constantly building, building, building. And then I reach this point where I’m like, “This is so stupid,” and I come back down, restart, and I just go over and over and over again.

I feel like I’m constantly restarting things.

I even look back at the history of my own personal Instagram, and I’ve just stopped and started. Stopped and started. There were so many series I’ve stopped and started, and just the way that I used to make content — I’m like, you know what? If I just continued with it, there was something there.

There was something creative. There was something glorious there.

And I totally dismissed it because I run into this thing where, while things feel aligned with me, if I’m not seeing the physical metric success, then I just don’t think it’s valid.

And I think that’s another thing. Because no one has ever really explicitly told me, “Hey, good job. You are talented. These are the things that you’re good at. You really succeeded in these. These are the things that remind me of you. These are your characteristics that are so special.”

You have to kind of pick those things out for yourself.

And so you just don’t see all of those things that are present in you until it’s so much later, and then you’re just like, that’s so much missed potential because I am actually all of these things.

I’ve been wanting to refocus my efforts into realigning, and so long as things are within alignment, I am on the right track.

Because basically, what I’ve been doing my whole life is that if people aren’t telling me things, then I shoot myself down.

But my inner compass is actually a lot stronger than I think.

I actually do believe that so long as things feel right within me, and I keep going, I might not see material success right in front of me right away, but it will eventually show itself to me.

And I think this process of trusting myself and not waiting for other people to recognize me is like building the muscle of creating that inner recognition.

That right now, I am beautiful. I am well-spoken. I am talented. I do have something to say. I can be creative.

And really, really, really not needing the physical proof for that.

I do think that obviously, physical proof is so beautiful to have, which is why I love things like human design and astrology, because it has shown me parts of myself and things that I’m naturally good at that I didn’t realize.

So I’m like, okay, cool.

I understand some people might not fully believe it, but I do. I think astrology is so rooted inside of so many ancient traditions, and I truly think it’s a great way to get to know yourself.

Through that as well, I’ve been like, okay, these are some of the skills that I actually have, and of course I’m going to lean more into that. It just gives me some of that proof.

But overall, the best thing you can possibly do to have proof is have a great community and circle of people around you who see you and recognize you. But I know that sometimes people don’t have that.

So, yeah.

It’s been a weird grief of being like, there’s probably so much I could have been and could have done if I just truly believed in myself.

But I do think that crying over spilled milk is kind of silly.

So it’s just a moment of being like, you know what? Why pile on that regret? Why continue to be upset that I haven’t done all these things when, in reality, I can just now start?

I can just start believing in myself and doing whatever it is that I want to do. I don’t need to wait for anything anymore.

And why wait for me to just get mad at myself at the end of the day?

It’s kind of cool to think that you’re capable of doing anything.

And with that, you still also need discernment, because then it’s like, “Well, I’ll just literally do anything and everything.”

But I feel like we always know what we’re good at.

And I often told myself, “Well, what I’m good at, everyone else is probably good at too.”

But not everyone else is good at what you’re good at.

What’s easy for you is not easy for other people.

So I think it’s important to lean into what makes you you. Have your you-ness run through your veins and your blood, and express that everywhere you go.

Don’t wait for other people to clap for you, because you know that this is you.

This is the truest and most beautiful expression of yourself.

However that looks, that looks.

But that’s what you pour into everything, and that is why it makes everything you do so special.

It’s always lovely to have people clap for you.

But clap for yourself.

And I’m also clapping for you.