My Soft Rebellion

Episode Transcript:

I went to my cousin’s wedding reception a couple of weeks back, and I didn’t realize just how disconnected I was from my culture until I reentered a big desi gathering.

And I remembered where I came from, what my roots were.

And it was just so nice.

So nice to be surrounded by my culture, by my language, by my food, and have it all be so normal. To have that be the default as opposed to something Western.

I’m from Ontario, Canada, so something Canadian.

It was so nice just not feeling like I had to assimilate or mask or pretend to be someone I’m not.

I could just be super desi.

But see, there is a double-edged sword there, however, because I come from an immigrant Pakistani family and I love my culture. I love my food, my people, my everything, the customs, the language.

But oftentimes intertwined with Pakistani culture is also religion.

So it’s always this really weird mix of going to big gatherings and loving it, and just really enjoying being there and being part of the space where my entire roots and ancestry originate from.

But then also realizing the fact that I need to hide who I am.

I need to literally not be me.

Because in the same way that I’m masking and assimilating with other people, it’s like I’m also masking and assimilating with my own community because I’m not religious.

So it’s like, man, I’m literally so excited to be here and I’m so happy to be around so many people. And I love everyone despite whatever they believe in.

But it’s like, I know for a fact if everyone in this room truly knew who I was — that I wasn’t religious, that I’m not following the same rules that they’re following — then I would be ostracized.

People would not look at me the same and I would not receive the love that they’re currently giving me.

And it’s such a trip to be inside desi spaces, which are very loving, albeit sometimes judgmental, but all around, if you get invited to a desi party, you are going to be well fed and welcomed with open arms. You will be cared for.

The hospitality is pretty intense when it comes to the way that we take care of each other in my culture.

And it’s something I’m so proud of.

If I’m hosting you, I’m fucking hosting you.

But that’s besides the point.

The thing is, it’s all conditional though.

And yeah, I don’t know that for sure. Maybe that doesn’t go across the board.

But in terms of all the aunties and uncles I’m saying salaam to, there is a script that I’m following. There is a social order that I’m following. There’s a patriarchal order that I’m following as well.

Unspoken.

I’m making sure that I’m being a good Muslim, submissive, obedient, well-spoken, articulate, educated, back straight.

I’m making sure that I’m appearing as proper in front of all of these people because I can’t show the fact that I actually like to move my ass around to music, or listen to really inappropriate music, or just do so many things that they just don’t approve of.

I’m not going to start listing off my shenanigans, but the shenanigans are endless.

And I get that in front of your elders, there’s always a certain level of pretending. Obviously they can’t know totally who you are.

But for me, it’s a completely different persona that I’m basically putting on.

And I’ve done that my whole life.

I’ve lived a double life my whole life with Muslim parents, and the fact that I was raised inside a Western place.

There were many times growing up where I was like, I love my culture, but these things don’t make sense. And so I’m going to adopt different things.

But adopting different things always had to be something I did under the table because I wasn’t allowed to stray from what I was being taught.

And it’s just unfortunate that I want to be inside of spaces where my culture is present, where I can hear my language and be around other Pakistani people.

But then I often feel like, well, to do that, I need to hide who I am. To do that, I need to put on an act.

And I hit it off with this one girl at the reception so much, and she actually lives really close by me. So I was like, wow, this would be amazing. We are having such beautiful, amazing conversation. This is great.

But I can’t take this relationship any deeper than this one meeting because I know that moving forward, I will always have to monitor what I share with you.

I’ll always have to make sure that I’m not giving away too much, so that you don’t realize that I’m not actually one of you.

And I think that’s what’s so tiring for me.

Pretending like I am one of you so you can accept me.

I don’t know if that really matters to everyone, but when it comes to family, friends, and things like that, and the politics and the drama involved in that, I just don’t need to get into it.

I don’t need to have one person realize I like to partake in X, Y, Z activity that is forbidden in our culture and religion, and just have that be passed around, get back to my parents, and then it’s just unnecessary for me.

And I just don’t want to be a part of it.

And it’s annoying that I even need to be wary of this kind of thing because at the end of the day, I am going to live my life however I want to live my life.

But what that does mean is that I don’t partake in relationships where people who may be closest to my culture are also the same people who I can’t really be friends with.

Unless I find the same type of subgroup of people from my culture who are also rebel to the same degree that I am, it’s often just hard to connect otherwise because there is so much shame and judgment involved.

And I wish that there wasn’t because I don’t care what other people do.

You can live your life however you want to live your life.

So let me live mine.

And I don’t know why the policing of how I live mine is the way that it is.

But I was just so happy to be in a setting where I could be around so many other people like me at my cousin’s wedding reception.

And it just reminded me of where I came from.

And it was so beautiful, but there was just so much grief involved at the same time because it’s like, I just wish I could be here as me.

But I can only experience this if I’m a version of me.

And I’m learning how to connect with my culture without performing.

I’m learning how to connect with my language, with the traditions, with the music, with the dance, with the food, with everything. With the way that we interact with each other. Our hospitality. Our culture.

I’m just learning how to immerse myself in all of that without also bringing in, I guess, religion.

And sometimes for me personally, they just start to get so intertwined, especially when it comes into things like female modesty, that suddenly it just becomes hard.

Because I don’t want to be modest.

Maybe some days I want to.

Maybe some days I don’t.

But modesty becomes my ticket entryway into being accepted by my own community.

And then it’s like, well, then I’m just basically in a prison.

I don’t want to do that.

So, yeah.

I don’t know.

It’s an ongoing process of being like, okay, cool. I am who I am, a little bit of everything, and I’m still learning what that is.

And I’m learning how much to carry on both sides without losing myself and losing one or the other.

Because yeah, I would love to be close to my culture without having any shame attached to it.

Yeah.

Thanks for listening.